The Horstrich

Sarin-contaminated rain: kiss loved ones before leaving home.

Welcome to Hell. Here's your accordion.

-Gary Larson

Reports
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Trump Signs Historic Trade Deal With North Korea

                  The two nuclear blowhards celebrate their historic deal WASHINGTON—During his first trip abroad as president, Donald Trump is reported to have signed a historic trade deal with Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un—to export [...]

May 27, 2017 bonkers, business, government, politics
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Man Caught In Bed With Friend’s Wife Blames Pokémon Go

                        LONDON— After being caught red-handed by his best friend while pummelling his wife on their matrimonial bed, 28 year old Larry English told reporters that, “Pokémon Go’ made [...]

August 22, 2016 gaming, lifestyle, news, relationship, technology
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Beyonce Fans Troll Gypsy Horse As Becky With The Good Hair

                    NEW YORK—Following the release of her new album, Lemonade, Beyonce fans have unleashed an online attack at an elegant Gypsy horse, after identifying her as the so-called “Becky with the [...]

April 29, 2016 animals, celebrity, music, news
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Dad Finally Gets Lucky With Mum On Mother’s Day

                    SHOREDITCH, LONDON – After scheming for three months and getting no joy in bid to get laid, sources report that 52-year-old Dominic Merchant finally got lucky with the mother of [...]

March 6, 2016 celebrations, lifestyle, news, relationship
leonardo dicaprio

About Fucking Time I Got My Hands On This Golden Dude – By Leonardo DiCaprio

                              Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Yeah! Yeah! About fucking time I got my hands on this golden guy. Wow! First I’d like [...]

February 28, 2016 celebrations, celebrity, commentary, film, news
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Leonardo Dicaprio Preferred To Eat His Speech To The Oscars Pizza

                      ARCHIVE: March 3, 2014. HOLLYWOOD – Saying to his fellow actors that after hearing Mathew McConaughey announced as winner of best actor at the 2014 Oscars Award, he felt [...]

February 25, 2016 celebrations, celebrity, film, news
valentines

Boyfriend’s Valentine Gift To Girlfriend Is A 3D Model Of Himself

                    LONDON ─ After pondering what special gift to give his girlfriend for Valentine for several weeks to no avail, City Banker  Donald Smith stumbled upon his Eureka moment when, at [...]

February 14, 2016 celebrations, lifestyle, news, relationship
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Commuters Should Cuddle One Another To Survive The Cold Spell, Says National Medical Council

                    ARCHIVE: January 23, 2015 BRITAIN—As the UK continues to shiver in the grip of an arctic blast, the National Medical Council has reportedly issued a health warning for commuters and [...]

January 21, 2016 health, news, weather
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Cameron Declares Parts Of Britain Without Power As Territories Of Nigeria

                                                                                [...]

December 28, 2015 government, news, politics, weather
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Girlfriend Puzzled By Boyfriend’s Christmas Gift Of Lidl Perfume

                                                ARCHIVE: December 25, 2013 LONDON─After excitedly unwrapping her Christmas gift from her boyfriend with trembling fingers [...]

December 28, 2015 business, celebrations, festivities, news, relationship
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Man Hibernating To Avoid Stars Wars Frenzy Wants To Come Out For Christmas

    GLASGOW, SCOTLAND—After departing civilised society for two weeks to seek refuge in a Scottish cave in order to escape the frenzy surrounding the film Star Wars: The Force Awakens, hungry and haggard-looking 28 year old Gary Benson is [...]

December 25, 2015 film, news
Jihadi-John

British Public Not Sure If ‘Jihadi John’ Intends To Repay His Student Loan

                      ARCHIVE: March 3, 2015 BRITAIN—After the revelation that Mohammed Emwazi aka Jihadi John –the infamous Islamic State executioner—is a London-educated IT expatriate, the British public have, reportedly, been scratching [...]

November 13, 2015 government, news, terrorism, war
heinz 5 a day

Man Pretty Sure Pork Sausage No Longer One Of Five-A-Day

                          HACKNEY, LONDON—Following the news that bacon and sausage could cause cancer, 26-year-old Nathan Atkins, an all-things-processed-and-non-processed-meat-aficionado, finally came clean to reporters that he always had his doubt [...]

October 30, 2015 food, health, lifestyle, news, science
Greece Migrants

Syrian Refugees Reject UK Council Estate Housing

                    INFLATABLE DINGHY BOUND FOR EUROPE—As 40 UK Councils pledged to provide sanctuary for Syrian refugees, sources report from inside a listing Europe-bound inflatable dinghy that refugees have vowed to reject [...]

September 9, 2015 government, immigration, news, politics, war
arsenal fans

Arsenal Fans Most Likely To Suffer From Heart Attack, Study Finds

                      ARCHIVE: February 26, 2015 LONDON—According to a nine-year study by doctors at the London Chest Hospital, Arsenal supporters are more likely than any other football fans to die of [...]

August 9, 2015 football, health and safety, news, sports
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Man Has To Lick Off Triple Layer Of Makeup To Get To Girlfriend’s Skin

                    HERNE HILL, LONDON—Instead of continuing to initiate sex with his heavily rouged girlfriend by kissing her face and licking off a triple layer of makeup, 23-year old Jason Bedford reportedly [...]

July 30, 2015 lifestyle, news, relationship
pluto

Pluto Spacecraft Probably Caught A Glimpse Of God Darting Off To Hide, Claims Nasa

                          WASHINGTON, D.C.—Amongst the plethora of images sent to earth by the Pluto probe, New Horizon, Nasa has reportedly discovered a batch of photos showing a time-lapse of [...]

July 17, 2015 education, news, science, space, technology
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Rough Sleeper Camped Outside Waterstones For 55 Years Was Waiting For Harper Lee’s Sequel

                      PICADILLY, LONDON—Following the publication of Harper Lee’s second book Go Set A Watchman, a rough sleeper who had camped outside Waterstones in Picadilly for 55 years has finally left [...]

July 15, 2015 books, education, lifestyle, news
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Hay Fever Woman Going To Relocate Every Summer From Next Summer

                    FULHAM, LONDON—After blowing her nose like a trumpet into a mucus-sodden tissue, 29-year-old pollen magnet Mary Elstree told reporters that she would surely relocate from the UK next summer to [...]

July 2, 2015 health, news, science, weather
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Man Waiting For Female Footballers To Swap Shirts Disappointed Yet Again

                    MITCHAM, LONDON—After the England versus Canada quarter final match at the Women’s World Cup, 26 year old football fan Michael Fulton is reported to have been left disappointed yet again, [...]

June 28, 2015 festivities, football, news, sports
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Blatter And Mugabe Separated At Birth, Say Genealogists

            WORLD—A group of world renowned genealogists have reportedly released a list of DNA facts that proves beyond doubt that Sepp Blatter and Robert Mugabe were separated at birth. Both Blatter and Mugabe are slapheads [...]

June 1, 2015 election, football, government, news, politics, sports
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Fifa Honours Dead World Cup Construction Workers With Body Outlines In Stadiums

                    ARCHIVE: July 14′ 2014 RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL—As the FIFA 2014 World Cup juggernaut ground to a halt with Germany pipping Argentina to the trophy, FIFA reportedly paid tribute to [...]

May 28, 2015 celebrations, football, news, sports
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Football Chairman Shamelessly Celebrates Success Of Manager He Will Sack Within Months

                  ARCHIVE: April 28, 2014 CLUELESS FOOTBALL CLUB, ENGLAND – A football club Chairman has reportedly been accused of a lack of class and decency after shamelessly celebrating the manager’s success in [...]

May 26, 2015 business, celebrations, football, news
Texas Bike Gang

Texas Bikers Shootout Just Celebrating Release Of Mad Max: Fury Road

                    WACO, TEXAS—Saying that the world was too easily outraged these days, bike gang leader Mike ‘Razor Beard’ Wyatt told reporters that the bikers had only embarked on the free-for-all shoot [...]

May 19, 2015 film, gangs, guns, lifestyle, news
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Voters Stitched Us Up, Say UK Pollsters

                      BRITAIN—After coming in for severe hiding in the UK General Election, UK Pollsters have denied getting it massively wrong, claiming that UK voters lied to them, according to reports. [...]

May 9, 2015 election, government, news, politics
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Ed Miliband Vows To Throw Kitchen Sink At Cameron (VIDEO)

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May 5, 2015 celebrity, government, news, videos
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Floyd Mayweather Takes Break From Running To Ask Pacquiao Royal Baby’s Sex.

                  MGM GRAND, LAS VEGAS—Saying to his chasing assailant that he hadn’t had time to get an update on the second royal baby’s birth before their boxing match, Floyd ‘Slippery Money’ Mayweather [...]

May 3, 2015 business, celebrity, news, sports
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Ukip Releases New And Improved Life In The UK Test Syllabus For Migrants (VIDEO)

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April 8, 2015 immigration, news, politics, videos
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Easter Turkey Pleads Desperately For Dear Life

                    ARCHIVE: April 20, 2014 MUDCHUTE PARK & FARM, LONDON – Clucking hysterically and pleading vigorously for his dear life on the way to the animal gallows, local farmyard turkey, Wattle, [...]

April 5, 2015 animals, festivities, food, news
top dog

Cat Is The New Dog? I Don’t Think So — By Top Dog

                ARCHIVE: May 23, 2014 CALIFORNIA—Alright, alright, viral-obsessed creatures on two legs, it’s time you stopped prostituting yourselves to cats. Frankly speaking I’m pissed off right now. Actually I’ve been pissed off since [...]

March 23, 2015 animals, celebrity, commentary, news
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Dad Finally Gets Lucky With Mum On Mother’s Day

                        ARCHIVE: March 30, 2014. SHOREDITCH, LONDON – After scheming for three months and getting no joy in bid to get laid, sources report that 52-year-old Dominic Merchant finally [...]

March 15, 2015 business, celebrations, news, technology
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Lion King Wins African Leadership Award

                          ARCHIVE: October 29, 2013 KHARTOUM─The annual £3.2 million Mo Ibrahim award for ‘excellence in African leadership’ has finally found a worthy winner in the form of King [...]

March 8, 2015 africa, animals, celebrity, film, government, news, politics
Jihadi-John

British Public Not Sure If ‘Jihadi John’ Intends To Repay His Student Loan

                    BRITAIN—After the revelation that Mohammed Emwazi aka Jihadi John –the infamous Islamic State executioner—is a London-educated IT expatriate, the British public have, reportedly, been scratching their heads as they wonder [...]

March 3, 2015 education, news, politics, religion, terrorism
arsenal fans

Arsenal Fans Most Likely To Suffer From Heart Attack, Study Finds

                    LONDON—According to a nine-year study by doctors at the London Chest Hospital, Arsenal supporters are more likely than any other football fans to die of heart attack. “The findings of [...]

February 26, 2015 football, health, news, science, sports
dicaprio1

Leonardo DiCaprio Preferred To Eat His Speech To The Oscars Pizza

                ARCHIVE: March 3, 2014. HOLLYWOOD – Saying to his fellow actors that after hearing Mathew McConaughey announced as winner of best actor at the 2014 Oscars Award, he felt a sudden violent [...]

February 22, 2015 celebrations, celebrity, film, food, news
valentines

Romantic Man’s Valentine Gift To Girlfriend Is A 3D Model Of Himself

              ARCHIVE: February 14 2014 LONDON ─ After pondering what special gift to give his girlfriend for Valentine for several weeks to no avail, City Banker  Donald Smith stumbled upon his Eureka moment when, [...]

February 14, 2015 business, celebrations, festivities, news, technology
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Girlfriend Promises To Be On Best Behaviour Until After Valentine

                                      SYDENHAM, LONDON—Saying that she was not going to jeopardise her chances of receiving a fantastic Valentine’s gift from her emasculated boyfriend, [...]

February 13, 2015 celebrations, festivities, lifestyle, news
JONATHAN-2014-COMPAIGN

Nigeria Postpones Elections To Celebrate Valentine’s Day

                        NIGERIA—Nigerian lovers up and down the country are reported to have celebrated wildly when President Goodluck Jonathan cancelled national elections which were due to be held on February [...]

February 10, 2015 celebrations, holidays, news, politics, religion
arctic

Commuters Should Cuddle One Another To Survive The Cold Spell, Says National Medical Council.

                  BRITAIN—As the UK continues to shiver in the grip of an arctic blast, the National Medical Council has reportedly issued a health warning for commuters and other travellers to endeavour to [...]

January 23, 2015 health and safety, lifestyle, news, transport, weather
shutterstock_165362585

Dad Finally Gets Lucky With Mum On Mother’s Day

                    SHOREDITCH, LONDON – After scheming for three months and getting no joy in bid to get laid, sources report that 52-year-old Dominic Merchant finally got lucky with the mother of [...]

March 30, 2014 business, celebrations, news, technology
lidl perfume (1)

Girlfriend Puzzled By Boyfriend’s Christmas Gift Of Lidl Perfume

LONDON─After excitedly unwrapping her Christmas gift from her boyfriend with trembling fingers and finding a 50ml bottle of Lidl discount supermarket’s own brand of perfume, Balham woman, Angela Watson’s smiling beatific face is reported to have slowly creased into a [...]

December 25, 2013 business, news