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Reports

Arsenal Signs Two Players Ahead Of January Transfer Window

December 22, 2014 football, news, sports

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ARCHIVE: October 23, 2013

LONDON (Emirates Stadium)─Ahead of the 1st January 2014 opening of the mid-season transfer window, Arsenal FC are reported to have done some brisk business by signing two new players.

According to the club, Arsenal manager, Arsene Wenger used the opportunity of the recent international break to scout for new prodigious talent in some remote region of the world that has yet to be touched by civilisation.

“We are proud to say that we have discovered a new tribe,” said Arsenal Chief Executive, Ivan Gazidis, “that has never before been seen by the civilised world.”

After breaking the bank to sign the £42 million Mesut Ozil, Arsenal are said to be going back to their old ways of thrift spending on transfers.

Gazidis said to reporters, “After spending a whopping £42 million on Mesut Ozil in the summer, we decided to go back to our root of discovering raw talents and nurturing them to superstardom. £42 million is the kind of money we’d normally spend in two to three season transfers, on about a dozen players. Now we can’t afford to spend a dime in January. In fact our fans should not expect to see a penny spent on transfers for the next two or so seasons. We trust Arsene’s uncanny gift of spotting future talents, even amongst tribes who’ve never seen a football before.”

When asked by reporters where Wenger managed to find these new players, Gazidis declined to give a location. “I’m sorry we couldn’t possibly disclose that information on where the guys were plucked from,” said Gazidis.

“In the past we had a reputation for discovering all those bargain talents until our rivals wised up to it. We can’t let that happen again. We always have to be a step ahead. We can’t have any rival team stealing a march on us.”

The Arsenal manager was taken to task by reporters on his new extreme transfer policy.

“All I’d like to say to our fans is not to panic,” said Wenger, to reporters, as he impressively maintained a straight face. “I’ve seen enough of these boys to know that they’re perfect for Arsenal. They took to football like ducks to water.”

“This small chap you see here in the Arsenal jersey,” continued Wenger, “he’s going to be a delight in the opposition box. He may have an uncanny resemblance to Gervinho, but that’s where it all ends, because skills wise, he’s worlds apart. Guaranteed twenty goals between January and May.”

“This other lad here,” said Wenger, referring to the tall guy who is stark naked, “you can see the resemblance straight away. We never quite managed to replace Patrick Veira. Well, here he is. His lung-bursting box-to-box runs will make our opponents quiver with fear.”

“The only problem is he is allergic to fiber so wearing the Arsenal jersey is not an option. We’d have to find a way to have the Premier League and Fifa bend the rules so he can play starkers. I mean there shouldn’t be a problem with that, really. If he’s the only naked bloke on the pitch, surely everyone can see that he’s an Arsenal player, right?”

“Maybe some kind of jockstrap might help though. We can’t exactly have his tackle swinging all over the place. We’ve got women and kids at matches so we’ve got to be careful how we handle this. Yes, gentlemen, these are the new Arsenal signings and with them, I’m very sure the Premier League and the Champions League titles are coming to Arsenal next May. Thank you very much.”

At post time the two new Arsenal signings are said to have been rushed to the Whittington Hospital, North London. Reports have it they have been diagnosed with diarrhoea and chronic home sickness.

An Arsenal source said, “Anything they eat seems to pass through them. Pasta, lasagne, sandwich, just name it. They can’t even drink tea. Also they’re crying all the time. We think they terribly miss home.”

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