The Horstrich

Scottish boomerang weather. North-to-south-back-to-north-to-south-to-north.

Satire is a lesson, parody is a game.

-Vladimir Nabokov

Reports

Trump Signs Historic Trade Deal With North Korea

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                  The two nuclear blowhards celebrate their historic deal WASHINGTON—During his first trip abroad as president, Donald Trump is reported to have signed a historic trade deal with Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un—to export America’s death row inmates to North Korea to be executed [...]

May 27, 2017 h_macaulay bonkers, business, government, politics 0

Man Caught In Bed With Friend’s Wife Blames Pokémon Go

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                        LONDON— After being caught red-handed by his best friend while pummelling his wife on their matrimonial bed, 28 year old Larry English told reporters that, “Pokémon Go’ made me do it”. “Seriously, I was just minding my business [...]

August 22, 2016 h_macaulay gaming, lifestyle, news, relationship, technology 0

Beyonce Fans Troll Gypsy Horse As Becky With The Good Hair

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                    NEW YORK—Following the release of her new album, Lemonade, Beyonce fans have unleashed an online attack at an elegant Gypsy horse, after identifying her as the so-called “Becky with the good hair” mentioned by the Grammy award winner as the [...]

April 29, 2016 h_macaulay animals, celebrity, music, news 0

Dad Finally Gets Lucky With Mum On Mother’s Day

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                    SHOREDITCH, LONDON – After scheming for three months and getting no joy in bid to get laid, sources report that 52-year-old Dominic Merchant finally got lucky with the mother of his three adult children after splurging out on Mother’s Day [...]

March 6, 2016 h_macaulay celebrations, lifestyle, news, relationship 0

About Fucking Time I Got My Hands On This Golden Dude – By Leonardo DiCaprio

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                              Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Yeah! Yeah! About fucking time I got my hands on this golden guy. Wow! First I’d like to thank my fellow actor. My collaborator in this process. [...]

February 28, 2016 h_macaulay celebrations, celebrity, commentary, film, news 0

Leonardo Dicaprio Preferred To Eat His Speech To The Oscars Pizza

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                      ARCHIVE: March 3, 2014. HOLLYWOOD – Saying to his fellow actors that after hearing Mathew McConaughey announced as winner of best actor at the 2014 Oscars Award, he felt a sudden violent and overpowering craving for cellulose pulp, Hollywood [...]

February 25, 2016 h_macaulay celebrations, celebrity, film, news 0

Boyfriend’s Valentine Gift To Girlfriend Is A 3D Model Of Himself

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                    LONDON ─ After pondering what special gift to give his girlfriend for Valentine for several weeks to no avail, City Banker  Donald Smith stumbled upon his Eureka moment when, at rush hour commute, he read in the Metro a report [...]

February 14, 2016 h_macaulay celebrations, lifestyle, news, relationship 0

Commuters Should Cuddle One Another To Survive The Cold Spell, Says National Medical Council

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                    ARCHIVE: January 23, 2015 BRITAIN—As the UK continues to shiver in the grip of an arctic blast, the National Medical Council has reportedly issued a health warning for commuters and other travellers to endeavour to cuddle one another in order [...]

January 21, 2016 h_macaulay health, news, weather 0

Cameron Declares Parts Of Britain Without Power As Territories Of Nigeria

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                                                                                        ARCHIVE: December 29, 2013 After visiting [...]

December 28, 2015 h_macaulay government, news, politics, weather 0

Girlfriend Puzzled By Boyfriend’s Christmas Gift Of Lidl Perfume

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                                                ARCHIVE: December 25, 2013 LONDON─After excitedly unwrapping her Christmas gift from her boyfriend with trembling fingers and finding a 50ml bottle of Lidl discount supermarket’s own [...]

December 28, 2015 h_macaulay business, celebrations, festivities, news, relationship 0

Man Hibernating To Avoid Stars Wars Frenzy Wants To Come Out For Christmas

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    GLASGOW, SCOTLAND—After departing civilised society for two weeks to seek refuge in a Scottish cave in order to escape the frenzy surrounding the film Star Wars: The Force Awakens, hungry and haggard-looking 28 year old Gary Benson is reported to be ready to come out of hibernation for [...]

December 25, 2015 h_macaulay film, news 0

British Public Not Sure If ‘Jihadi John’ Intends To Repay His Student Loan

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                      ARCHIVE: March 3, 2015 BRITAIN—After the revelation that Mohammed Emwazi aka Jihadi John –the infamous Islamic State executioner—is a London-educated IT expatriate, the British public have, reportedly, been scratching their heads as they wonder if the most famous person [...]

November 13, 2015 h_macaulay government, news, terrorism, war 0

Man Pretty Sure Pork Sausage No Longer One Of Five-A-Day

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                          HACKNEY, LONDON—Following the news that bacon and sausage could cause cancer, 26-year-old Nathan Atkins, an all-things-processed-and-non-processed-meat-aficionado, finally came clean to reporters that he always had his doubt that pork sausage in a rich tomato sauce could be [...]

October 30, 2015 h_macaulay food, health, lifestyle, news, science 0

Syrian Refugees Reject UK Council Estate Housing

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                    INFLATABLE DINGHY BOUND FOR EUROPE—As 40 UK Councils pledged to provide sanctuary for Syrian refugees, sources report from inside a listing Europe-bound inflatable dinghy that refugees have vowed to reject out-of-hand any attempt to house them in some chav riddled [...]

September 9, 2015 h_macaulay government, immigration, news, politics, war 0

Arsenal Fans Most Likely To Suffer From Heart Attack, Study Finds

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                      ARCHIVE: February 26, 2015 LONDON—According to a nine-year study by doctors at the London Chest Hospital, Arsenal supporters are more likely than any other football fans to die of heart attack. “The findings of this study should be taken [...]

August 9, 2015 h_macaulay football, health and safety, news, sports 0

Man Has To Lick Off Triple Layer Of Makeup To Get To Girlfriend’s Skin

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                    HERNE HILL, LONDON—Instead of continuing to initiate sex with his heavily rouged girlfriend by kissing her face and licking off a triple layer of makeup, 23-year old Jason Bedford reportedly told his friends that he is considering diving head-on into [...]

July 30, 2015 h_macaulay lifestyle, news, relationship 0

Pluto Spacecraft Probably Caught A Glimpse Of God Darting Off To Hide, Claims Nasa

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                          WASHINGTON, D.C.—Amongst the plethora of images sent to earth by the Pluto probe, New Horizon, Nasa has reportedly discovered a batch of photos showing a time-lapse of an enormous swoosh of a white garment, as if a [...]

July 17, 2015 h_macaulay education, news, science, space, technology 0

Rough Sleeper Camped Outside Waterstones For 55 Years Was Waiting For Harper Lee’s Sequel

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                      PICADILLY, LONDON—Following the publication of Harper Lee’s second book Go Set A Watchman, a rough sleeper who had camped outside Waterstones in Picadilly for 55 years has finally left the spot after being the first reader to get his [...]

July 15, 2015 h_macaulay books, education, lifestyle, news 0

Hay Fever Woman Going To Relocate Every Summer From Next Summer

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                    FULHAM, LONDON—After blowing her nose like a trumpet into a mucus-sodden tissue, 29-year-old pollen magnet Mary Elstree told reporters that she would surely relocate from the UK next summer to escape her hay fever hell. “Are you telling me scientists [...]

July 2, 2015 h_macaulay health, news, science, weather 0

Man Waiting For Female Footballers To Swap Shirts Disappointed Yet Again

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                    MITCHAM, LONDON—After the England versus Canada quarter final match at the Women’s World Cup, 26 year old football fan Michael Fulton is reported to have been left disappointed yet again, as none of the 22 outfield players whipped off their [...]

June 28, 2015 h_macaulay festivities, football, news, sports 0

Blatter And Mugabe Separated At Birth, Say Genealogists

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            WORLD—A group of world renowned genealogists have reportedly released a list of DNA facts that proves beyond doubt that Sepp Blatter and Robert Mugabe were separated at birth. Both Blatter and Mugabe are slapheads with uniquely identical bald domes. They both love to scratch [...]

June 1, 2015 h_macaulay election, football, government, news, politics, sports 0

Fifa Honours Dead World Cup Construction Workers With Body Outlines In Stadiums

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                    ARCHIVE: July 14′ 2014 RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL—As the FIFA 2014 World Cup juggernaut ground to a halt with Germany pipping Argentina to the trophy, FIFA reportedly paid tribute to all the construction workers who sacrificed their lives so that [...]

May 28, 2015 h_macaulay celebrations, football, news, sports 0

Football Chairman Shamelessly Celebrates Success Of Manager He Will Sack Within Months

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                  ARCHIVE: April 28, 2014 CLUELESS FOOTBALL CLUB, ENGLAND – A football club Chairman has reportedly been accused of a lack of class and decency after shamelessly celebrating the manager’s success in marshalling the clueless club’s promotion to the Top-Tier League of [...]

May 26, 2015 h_macaulay business, celebrations, football, news 0

Texas Bikers Shootout Just Celebrating Release Of Mad Max: Fury Road

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                    WACO, TEXAS—Saying that the world was too easily outraged these days, bike gang leader Mike ‘Razor Beard’ Wyatt told reporters that the bikers had only embarked on the free-for-all shoot ‘em up that killed nine bikers to celebrate the release [...]

May 19, 2015 h_macaulay film, gangs, guns, lifestyle, news 0

Voters Stitched Us Up, Say UK Pollsters

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                      BRITAIN—After coming in for severe hiding in the UK General Election, UK Pollsters have denied getting it massively wrong, claiming that UK voters lied to them, according to reports. “UK voters are a lying bunch,” fumed Henry Williams of [...]

May 9, 2015 h_macaulay election, government, news, politics 0

Ed Miliband Vows To Throw Kitchen Sink At Cameron (VIDEO)

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May 5, 2015 h_macaulay celebrity, government, news, videos 0

Floyd Mayweather Takes Break From Running To Ask Pacquiao Royal Baby’s Sex.

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                  MGM GRAND, LAS VEGAS—Saying to his chasing assailant that he hadn’t had time to get an update on the second royal baby’s birth before their boxing match, Floyd ‘Slippery Money’ Mayweather took a breather in Round 4 by asking Manny Pacquiao [...]

May 3, 2015 h_macaulay business, celebrity, news, sports 0

Ukip Releases New And Improved Life In The UK Test Syllabus For Migrants (VIDEO)

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April 8, 2015 h_macaulay immigration, news, politics, videos 0

Easter Turkey Pleads Desperately For Dear Life

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                    ARCHIVE: April 20, 2014 MUDCHUTE PARK & FARM, LONDON – Clucking hysterically and pleading vigorously for his dear life on the way to the animal gallows, local farmyard turkey, Wattle, reportedly explained to Farmer Townsend that he has got his [...]

April 5, 2015 h_macaulay animals, festivities, food, news 0

Cat Is The New Dog? I Don’t Think So — By Top Dog

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                ARCHIVE: May 23, 2014 CALIFORNIA—Alright, alright, viral-obsessed creatures on two legs, it’s time you stopped prostituting yourselves to cats. Frankly speaking I’m pissed off right now. Actually I’ve been pissed off since the suicidal antics of that Californian cat called Tara went [...]

March 23, 2015 h_macaulay animals, celebrity, commentary, news 0

Dad Finally Gets Lucky With Mum On Mother’s Day

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                        ARCHIVE: March 30, 2014. SHOREDITCH, LONDON – After scheming for three months and getting no joy in bid to get laid, sources report that 52-year-old Dominic Merchant finally got lucky with the mother of his three adult children [...]

March 15, 2015 h_macaulay business, celebrations, news, technology 0

Lion King Wins African Leadership Award

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                          ARCHIVE: October 29, 2013 KHARTOUM─The annual £3.2 million Mo Ibrahim award for ‘excellence in African leadership’ has finally found a worthy winner in the form of King Simba, the celebrated Disney’s Lion King, according to African media [...]

March 8, 2015 h_macaulay africa, animals, celebrity, film, government, news, politics 0

British Public Not Sure If ‘Jihadi John’ Intends To Repay His Student Loan

Jihadi-John

                    BRITAIN—After the revelation that Mohammed Emwazi aka Jihadi John –the infamous Islamic State executioner—is a London-educated IT expatriate, the British public have, reportedly, been scratching their heads as they wonder if the most famous person to wear the Pittsburgh Pirates [...]

March 3, 2015 h_macaulay education, news, politics, religion, terrorism 0

Arsenal Fans Most Likely To Suffer From Heart Attack, Study Finds

arsenal fans

                    LONDON—According to a nine-year study by doctors at the London Chest Hospital, Arsenal supporters are more likely than any other football fans to die of heart attack. “The findings of this study should be taken seriously by the Premier League [...]

February 26, 2015 h_macaulay football, health, news, science, sports 0

Leonardo DiCaprio Preferred To Eat His Speech To The Oscars Pizza

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                ARCHIVE: March 3, 2014. HOLLYWOOD – Saying to his fellow actors that after hearing Mathew McConaughey announced as winner of best actor at the 2014 Oscars Award, he felt a sudden violent and overpowering craving for cellulose pulp, Hollywood sources said Leonardo [...]

February 22, 2015 h_macaulay celebrations, celebrity, film, food, news 0

Romantic Man’s Valentine Gift To Girlfriend Is A 3D Model Of Himself

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              ARCHIVE: February 14 2014 LONDON ─ After pondering what special gift to give his girlfriend for Valentine for several weeks to no avail, City Banker  Donald Smith stumbled upon his Eureka moment when, at rush hour commute, he read in the Metro a [...]

February 14, 2015 h_macaulay business, celebrations, festivities, news, technology 0

Girlfriend Promises To Be On Best Behaviour Until After Valentine

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                                      SYDENHAM, LONDON—Saying that she was not going to jeopardise her chances of receiving a fantastic Valentine’s gift from her emasculated boyfriend, 28 year old Mary Canton told reporters she would curb [...]

February 13, 2015 h_macaulay celebrations, festivities, lifestyle, news 0

Nigeria Postpones Elections To Celebrate Valentine’s Day

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                        NIGERIA—Nigerian lovers up and down the country are reported to have celebrated wildly when President Goodluck Jonathan cancelled national elections which were due to be held on February 14 2015 so that lovers could celebrate Valentine’s Day. “I [...]

February 10, 2015 h_macaulay celebrations, holidays, news, politics, religion 0

Commuters Should Cuddle One Another To Survive The Cold Spell, Says National Medical Council.

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                  BRITAIN—As the UK continues to shiver in the grip of an arctic blast, the National Medical Council has reportedly issued a health warning for commuters and other travellers to endeavour to cuddle one another in order to avoid coming down with [...]

January 23, 2015 h_macaulay health and safety, lifestyle, news, transport, weather 0

Dad Finally Gets Lucky With Mum On Mother’s Day

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                    SHOREDITCH, LONDON – After scheming for three months and getting no joy in bid to get laid, sources report that 52-year-old Dominic Merchant finally got lucky with the mother of his three adult children after splurging out on Mother’s Day [...]

March 30, 2014 h_macaulay business, celebrations, news, technology 0

Girlfriend Puzzled By Boyfriend’s Christmas Gift Of Lidl Perfume

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LONDON─After excitedly unwrapping her Christmas gift from her boyfriend with trembling fingers and finding a 50ml bottle of Lidl discount supermarket’s own brand of perfume, Balham woman, Angela Watson’s smiling beatific face is reported to have slowly creased into a freeze-frame of puzzlement. Sources said 24 year old Watson’s palpable [...]

December 25, 2013 h_macaulay business, news 0