The Horstrich

Between God, Nature and the Met Office, someone's taking the piss.

Praise undeserved is satire in disguise.

-Alexander Pope

Reports

We Are England And We Can Tackle Our Way To World Cup 2014 Final──By Jack Wilshere

jack wilshere

I’m sorry Mr FA Chairman, Greg Dyke, winning the World Cup in 2022 doesn’t quite cut it for me. I can barely get in the team in 2013, what hope 2022? With my new found love of tobacco who knows what tomorrow would bring? No sir, I say let’s tackle [...]

October 17, 2013 h_macaulay celebrity, news, sports 0

Ghost of Margaret Thatcher Spooks Hipsters In Brixton, South London

The Ghost of Margaret Thatcher at a deserted Ritzy Cinema in Brixton

BRIXTON, SOUTH LONDON─The ghost of former British Prime Minister Lady Margaret Thatcher has been sighted wandering around the ‘hipsters’ paradise’ neighbourhood of Brixton, according to sources. Local publications report that the ghost of Thatcher, hauntingly dressed as the layabout overnight celebrity Northampton Clown, has been seen in and around the [...]

October 12, 2013 h_macaulay news, politics 0

We Only Want To Bomb The Guilty People From Now On— By Ayman al-Zawahri, Al-Qaeda Leader

al-zawahiri

Good morning, afternoon, or evening to you, depending on what time of day it is in your little insignificant corner of the world whenever this message hits you. I’d like to cut to the chase by stating that over the course of the years of our bombing campaigns prior to [...]

October 7, 2013 h_macaulay commentary, news, politics 0

Manchester United Fans Accused Of Stealing The Thunder From West Bromwich Albion In 2-1 Win Over United

Unamused West Brom fans watch as Man United fans steal their Thunder

It has been reported that West Bromwich Albion lodged a complaint with the Premier League accusing the Manchester United fans of hijacking their ‘Thunder’ during their 2-1 win over United at the weekend. According to media reports, sometime during last weekend’s match between United and West Brom at Old Trafford, [...]

October 4, 2013 h_macaulay news, sports 0

Hollywood Hardman Jason Statham Rips Celebrity Journalist At The Paris Fashion Week

Movie hardman Jason Statham calmly strolls away from a scene of destruction

PARIS─It has been reported that Hollywood hard-man Jason Statham let rip into a so-called celebrity journalist, Dave Owen, at the recently concluded Paris Fashion Week. According to reports, Owen, a celebrity blogger had walked up to Statham at the fashion show and started to utter some seemingly innocuous words of felicitations, [...]

October 4, 2013 h_macaulay celebrity, news 0

Homophobic Dog Granted Bail In British Magistrates Court

STUART ANTI-GAY DOG

BRIGHTON, ENGLAND─A notoriously homophobic Staffordshire bull terrier named Stuart has been granted bail by the Brighton Magistrates Court, according to reports. According to sources, Stuart had been arrested and detained by police around midday after attacking a gay couple on the Brighton seafront. The incident that led to Stuart’s arrest [...]

October 4, 2013 h_macaulay news 0

Apple iPhone 5s Blamed For Sharp Rise in Amputees

iPhone 5s Fingerprint Scanner

WASHINGTON─Congress has summoned Apple CEO, Tim Cook, to come and address the connection between the sharp rise in phone theft and amputations since the release of the iPhone 5s, according to sources. There have been reports all over America of a new breed of marauding phone thieves who not only [...]

October 4, 2013 h_macaulay news, technology 0

Jollof Rice Is Voted Ahead Of Mugabe As The Second Best Thing To Emerge From Africa

mugabe killing jollof rice

LAGOS─It has been reported that Jollof Rice has been voted the second best thing to come out of Africa. The best is Nelson Mandela who has achieved the incredible feat of maintaining such an illustrious first position for the past 19 years. Robert Mugabe, the irascible president of Zimbabwe, came [...]

October 4, 2013 h_macaulay food, news, politics 0

Ronnie Wood Delivers A Zinger To Redknapp’s Diss Of ‘Hippy Crack’

Harry v Ronnie

LONDON─Rolling Stone guitarist and serial rehab habitué Ronnie Wood has been giving his views on Harry Redknapp’s claim that drugs are merely a modern phenomenon in the UK, according to sources.  The Queens Park Rangers’ boss, in an interview with the media on his ex-player Kyle Walker’s inhalation of laughing [...]

October 4, 2013 h_macaulay celebrity, news, sports 0