The Horstrich

It's a chuckle.

Satire is tragedy plus time.

- Lenny Bruce

Reports

Girlfriend Puzzled By Boyfriend’s Christmas Gift Of Lidl Perfume

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                                                ARCHIVE: December 25, 2013 LONDON─After excitedly unwrapping her Christmas gift from her boyfriend with trembling fingers and finding a 50ml bottle of Lidl discount supermarket’s own [...]

December 28, 2015 h_macaulay business, celebrations, festivities, news, relationship 0

Man Hibernating To Avoid Stars Wars Frenzy Wants To Come Out For Christmas

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    GLASGOW, SCOTLAND—After departing civilised society for two weeks to seek refuge in a Scottish cave in order to escape the frenzy surrounding the film Star Wars: The Force Awakens, hungry and haggard-looking 28 year old Gary Benson is reported to be ready to come out of hibernation for [...]

December 25, 2015 h_macaulay film, news 0

British Public Not Sure If ‘Jihadi John’ Intends To Repay His Student Loan

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                      ARCHIVE: March 3, 2015 BRITAIN—After the revelation that Mohammed Emwazi aka Jihadi John –the infamous Islamic State executioner—is a London-educated IT expatriate, the British public have, reportedly, been scratching their heads as they wonder if the most famous person [...]

November 13, 2015 h_macaulay government, news, terrorism, war 0

Man Pretty Sure Pork Sausage No Longer One Of Five-A-Day

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                          HACKNEY, LONDON—Following the news that bacon and sausage could cause cancer, 26-year-old Nathan Atkins, an all-things-processed-and-non-processed-meat-aficionado, finally came clean to reporters that he always had his doubt that pork sausage in a rich tomato sauce could be [...]

October 30, 2015 h_macaulay food, health, lifestyle, news, science 0

Syrian Refugees Reject UK Council Estate Housing

Greece Migrants

                    INFLATABLE DINGHY BOUND FOR EUROPE—As 40 UK Councils pledged to provide sanctuary for Syrian refugees, sources report from inside a listing Europe-bound inflatable dinghy that refugees have vowed to reject out-of-hand any attempt to house them in some chav riddled [...]

September 9, 2015 h_macaulay government, immigration, news, politics, war 0

Arsenal Fans Most Likely To Suffer From Heart Attack, Study Finds

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                      ARCHIVE: February 26, 2015 LONDON—According to a nine-year study by doctors at the London Chest Hospital, Arsenal supporters are more likely than any other football fans to die of heart attack. “The findings of this study should be taken [...]

August 9, 2015 h_macaulay football, health and safety, news, sports 0

Man Has To Lick Off Triple Layer Of Makeup To Get To Girlfriend’s Skin

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                    HERNE HILL, LONDON—Instead of continuing to initiate sex with his heavily made up girlfriend by kissing her face and licking off a triple layer of makeup, 23-year old Jason Bedford reportedly told his friends that he is considering diving head-on [...]

July 30, 2015 h_macaulay lifestyle, news, relationship 0

Pluto Spacecraft Probably Caught A Glimpse Of God Darting Off To Hide, Claims Nasa

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                          WASHINGTON, D.C.—Amongst the plethora of images sent to earth by the Pluto probe, New Horizon, Nasa has reportedly discovered a batch of photos showing a time-lapse of an enormous swoosh of a white garment, as if a [...]

July 17, 2015 h_macaulay education, news, science, space, technology 0

Rough Sleeper Camped Outside Waterstones For 55 Years Was Waiting For Harper Lee’s Sequel

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                      PICADILLY, LONDON—Following the publication of Harper Lee’s second book Go Set A Watchman, a rough sleeper who had camped outside Waterstones in Picadilly for 55 years has finally left the spot after being the first reader to get his [...]

July 15, 2015 h_macaulay books, education, lifestyle, news 0

Hay Fever Woman Going To Relocate Every Summer From Next Summer

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                    FULHAM, LONDON—After blowing her nose like a trumpet into a mucus-sodden tissue, 29-year-old pollen magnet Mary Elstree told reporters that she would surely relocate from the UK next summer to escape her hay fever hell. “Are you telling me scientists [...]

July 2, 2015 h_macaulay health, news, science, weather 0