The Horstrich

Between God, Nature and the Met Office, someone's taking the piss.

Satire is tragedy plus time.

- Lenny Bruce

Reports

Browsing the "celebrity" Category

Shia Labeouf

Ex-Army General Tells Shia LaBeouf It’s Not Too Late To Join The Army

                      HOLLYWOOD—After the media publicity surrounding Shia LaBeouf’s braveness in taking method acting to stratospheric height by carving his face with a knife on the set of war film Fury, [...]

November 9, 2014 celebrity, film, news, war
clooney (1)

Successful Woman Volunteers As Carer For Middle-Aged Actor, Becomes Famous

ARCHIVE May 5, 2014.   LONDON – A supposedly wannabe British legal luminary, 36-year-old Amal Alammudin, has reportedly been globally recognised for her humanitarian act in sacrificing herself as the primary carer of middle-aged Hollywood actor, George Clooney. Sources report [...]

September 28, 2014 celebrity, film, news
Jennifer Lawrence poses at the 85th Academy Awards nominees luncheon in Beverly Hills

World Not Sure If Celeb Hacker Pleasured Himself Over Nude Photo Of Jennifer Lawrence

WORLD—Millions of voyeurs worldwide have reportedly confirmed that they are not entirely sure if the faceless hacker responsible for leaking nude photos of Jennifer Lawrence and other celebrities actually pleasured himself while drooling over Lawrence’s exposed breasts. Sources report that [...]

September 4, 2014 celebrity, film, news
ROONEY

Football Striker Who Only Plays Well In Manchester Is Named England Captain

ENGLAND—Prodigious England striker Wayne Rooney, who has scored one goal in three World Cup appearances, has reportedly been named the new England Captain by team manager Roy Hodgson. Sources report that the prolific international marksman, once described by Hodgson’s predecessor [...]

August 30, 2014 celebrity, football, news, sports
pistorius judgment (1)

Pistorius Judge Praised For Not Disclosing She Reached Her Verdict The Night He Shot His Girlfriend

PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA—After finally closing the interminable Oscar Pistorius murder case and declaring that she would give her verdict on September 11, Judge Thokozile Masipa reportedly whispered to the trial assessors that she knows that everybody knows that she had [...]

August 13, 2014 celebrity, court, news
mip (1)

‘Stop Suckling Breast In Public’, Londoners Tell Most Powerful Person In London

LONDON—Londoners have reportedly used the milestone in the life of the Most Influential Person in London to tell him to stop sucking breast in public and start portraying London in the most favourable light. In a controversy which has increasingly [...]

July 22, 2014 celebrity, food, news
snoop dog unhappy about fathers days present

Snoop Dogg Not Impressed With His Father’s Day Gift Of Pedigree Dental Sticks

CALIFORNIA—Saying that he was really getting fed up with the yearly ritual of being presented with several packets of Pedigree brand of dental sticks by his grown-up children, Snoop Dogg, aka Snoop Lion, told reporters that his father’s day gift [...]

June 15, 2014 animals, celebrations, celebrity, health, news
mankini

Nike Wins World Cup Kit Design War With Futuristic Mankini Jersey

SAO PAULO, BRAZIL—American sports apparel manufacturing giant Nike has reportedly won the 2014 World Cup Kit Design War, after unveiling their radical mankini jersey which was worn by the Brazilian team for their opening match against Croatia. Sports fashion critics [...]

June 13, 2014 celebrity, football, lifestyle, news, sports
donald sterling

Apparently, What Is Good For The Goose Is No Longer Good For The Gander—By Donald Sterling.

Okay. Time for some balanced perspective here. To all the flattering nicknames you’ve given me since my so-called outing as a racist bastard, you can add ‘swivel-eyed Sterling’. Like I give a fuck. Seriously though, my eyes have been spinning [...]

June 11, 2014 celebrity, news, race, sports
pope copy

Pope Benedict Caught Sticking Pins Into Voodoo Doll Of Pope Francis

VATICAN CITY—Vatican City Police today reportedly apprehended Pope Benedict as the culprit responsible for causing Pope Francis incessant pain all over his body, after catching the 87-year-old Pope sticking giant pins into the voodoo doll of the incumbent Pope. Sources [...]

June 2, 2014 celebrity, news, police, politics, religion