The Horstrich

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Satire is tragedy plus time.

- Lenny Bruce


Browsing the "news" Category


British Public Not Sure If ‘Jihadi John’ Intends To Repay His Student Loan

                      ARCHIVE: March 3, 2015 BRITAIN—After the revelation that Mohammed Emwazi aka Jihadi John –the infamous Islamic State executioner—is a London-educated IT expatriate, the British public have, reportedly, been scratching [...]

November 13, 2015 government, news, terrorism, war
heinz 5 a day

Man Pretty Sure Pork Sausage No Longer One Of Five-A-Day

                          HACKNEY, LONDON—Following the news that bacon and sausage could cause cancer, 26-year-old Nathan Atkins, an all-things-processed-and-non-processed-meat-aficionado, finally came clean to reporters that he always had his doubt [...]

October 30, 2015 food, health, lifestyle, news, science
Greece Migrants

Syrian Refugees Reject UK Council Estate Housing

                    INFLATABLE DINGHY BOUND FOR EUROPE—As 40 UK Councils pledged to provide sanctuary for Syrian refugees, sources report from inside a listing Europe-bound inflatable dinghy that refugees have vowed to reject [...]

September 9, 2015 government, immigration, news, politics, war
arsenal fans

Arsenal Fans Most Likely To Suffer From Heart Attack, Study Finds

                      ARCHIVE: February 26, 2015 LONDON—According to a nine-year study by doctors at the London Chest Hospital, Arsenal supporters are more likely than any other football fans to die of [...]

August 9, 2015 football, health and safety, news, sports

Man Has To Lick Off Triple Layer Of Makeup To Get To Girlfriend’s Skin

                    HERNE HILL, LONDON—Instead of continuing to initiate sex with his heavily made up girlfriend by kissing her face and licking off a triple layer of makeup, 23-year old Jason Bedford [...]

July 30, 2015 lifestyle, news, relationship

Pluto Spacecraft Probably Caught A Glimpse Of God Darting Off To Hide, Claims Nasa

                          WASHINGTON, D.C.—Amongst the plethora of images sent to earth by the Pluto probe, New Horizon, Nasa has reportedly discovered a batch of photos showing a time-lapse of [...]

July 17, 2015 education, news, science, space, technology

Rough Sleeper Camped Outside Waterstones For 55 Years Was Waiting For Harper Lee’s Sequel

                      PICADILLY, LONDON—Following the publication of Harper Lee’s second book Go Set A Watchman, a rough sleeper who had camped outside Waterstones in Picadilly for 55 years has finally left [...]

July 15, 2015 books, education, lifestyle, news

Hay Fever Woman Going To Relocate Every Summer From Next Summer

                    FULHAM, LONDON—After blowing her nose like a trumpet into a mucus-sodden tissue, 29-year-old pollen magnet Mary Elstree told reporters that she would surely relocate from the UK next summer to [...]

July 2, 2015 health, news, science, weather

Man Waiting For Female Footballers To Swap Shirts Disappointed Yet Again

                    MITCHAM, LONDON—After the England versus Canada quarter final match at the Women’s World Cup, 26 year old football fan Michael Fulton is reported to have been left disappointed yet again, [...]

June 28, 2015 festivities, football, news, sports

Blatter And Mugabe Separated At Birth, Say Genealogists

            WORLD—A group of world renowned genealogists have reportedly released a list of DNA facts that proves beyond doubt that Sepp Blatter and Robert Mugabe were separated at birth. Both Blatter and Mugabe are slapheads [...]

June 1, 2015 election, football, government, news, politics, sports