The Horstrich

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Browsing the "politics" Category

Goodluck Jonathan Clueless

Clueless Man Charged With Finding 276 Kidnapped Nigerian School Girls

ABUJA, NIGERIA – A prodigiously clueless man has reportedly been charged with finding and rescuing 276 school girls kidnapped by a ragtag group of terrorists in Northern Nigeria. Sources say that the man brimming with zero ideas addressed the Nigerian [...]

May 8, 2014 news, politics
JONATHAN

‘If An Airplane Can Disappear, Why Not $20 Billion?’ – Asks President Jonathan Of Nigeria

ABUJA, Nigeria – While interviewing President Goodluck Jonathan on the allegedly missing $20 billion of oil revenue, sources report that State House correspondents were left baffled when the President responded that, “If something as large as an aeroplane can instantly [...]

March 21, 2014 business, news, politics
putin

Putin Deploys Siberian Tigers To Crimea

CRIMEA REPUBLIC – While Russian President Vladimir Putin has said on record that he hopes the Ukraine conflict may be resolved without resort to arms, Crimean sources report that Putin however stated that he could not entirely rule out the [...]

March 10, 2014 celebrity, news, politics, war
sochi

Great Britain Wins Bronze In Snowball Fight Event At Sochi Olympics

SOCHI, RUSSIA ─ Olympics correspondents report that Team GB’s representative in the Snowball Fight Event at the Winter Olympics, 27-year-old Jamie Morris of Scunthorpe, has won a third bronze for the country. The traditional free-for-all snowball fight event, which is [...]

February 23, 2014 news, politics, sports
civil war

Americans Demand Civil War Right Now

WASHINGTON ─ Saying they have no idea what the American Civil War was like, all 317 million Americans today called on President Obama to forget about another foreign war in Ukraine or wherever and instigate a home-grown war without delay, [...]

February 21, 2014 news, politics, war
christie

Governor Christie Reveals Extendable Nose At Press Conference

NEW JERSEY—During his latest press conference to debunk claims that he was complicit in the punitive closure of the George Washington Bridge, the embattled Governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie, revealed his extendable nose, according to reports. Sources said when [...]

February 4, 2014 celebrity, food, news, politics
hollande (4)

I’m Obsessed With Triangles ─ By Francois Hollande, French President

Alright folks I have a confession to make. I have a medical condition. Actually it’s no big deal. It’s some kind of neurosis but nothing to interfere with my duties as your president. I’m really just OCD about Triangles. I [...]

January 15, 2014 celebrity, commentary, health, news, politics
MARK DUGGAN

Mark Duggan Jury Took Inspiration From George Zimmerman Not Guilty Verdict

LONDON ─ Traumatised members of the Mark Duggan Killing Inquest Jury have released a statement saying they reached a Lawful Killing Verdict by looking to inspiration from the Not Guilty Verdict of George Zimmerman in the black youth Trayvon Martin’s [...]

January 10, 2014 court, news, police, politics
riot

Mark Duggan Lawful Killing Verdict: London Youths Shun Riots For Their Duvets

LONDON ─ In the wake of the controversial ‘lawful killing verdict’ of the unarmed north London ‘gang member’, Mark Duggan, by an officer of the Metropolitan Police, London youths unanimously voted to burrow deeper into their mattresses and pull the [...]

January 9, 2014 business, celebrity, news, politics, weather
shutterstock_135050180 (2)

Man Goes To Sexy Female Neighbour For Joint Shower To Save On Utility Costs

LONDON ─ Heeding the sage advice of First Utility energy company to share a bath with other people in order to save on electricity and gas costs, middle-aged Camberwell man, Tony Windsor─wearing only a speedo and a mini towel draped [...]

January 7, 2014 business, news, politics, weather