Biblical Deluge: Move your toaster and iThings to higher ground.
Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence.
-Ambrose Bierce
Reports
- Mask or No Mask, Condom or No Condom, Says Boris Johnson
- Trump Signs Historic Trade Deal With North Korea
- Man Caught In Bed With Friend’s Wife Blames Pokémon Go
- Beyonce Fans Troll Gypsy Horse As Becky With The Good Hair
- Dad Finally Gets Lucky With Mum On Mother’s Day
- About Fucking Time I Got My Hands On This Golden Dude – By Leonardo DiCaprio
- Leonardo Dicaprio Preferred To Eat His Speech To The Oscars Pizza
- Boyfriend’s Valentine Gift To Girlfriend Is A 3D Model Of Himself
- Commuters Should Cuddle One Another To Survive The Cold Spell, Says Public Health England.
- Cameron Declares Parts Of Britain Without Power As Territories Of Nigeria
- Girlfriend Puzzled By Boyfriend’s Christmas Gift Of Lidl Perfume
- Man Hibernating To Avoid Stars Wars Frenzy Wants To Come Out For Christmas
- British Public Not Sure If ‘Jihadi John’ Intends To Repay His Student Loan
- Man Pretty Sure Pork Sausage No Longer One Of Five-A-Day
- Syrian Refugees Reject UK Council Estate Housing
- Arsenal Fans Most Likely To Suffer From Heart Attack, Study Finds
- Man Has To Lick Off Triple Layer Of Makeup To Get To Girlfriend’s Skin
- Pluto Spacecraft Probably Caught A Glimpse Of God Darting Off To Hide, Claims Nasa
- Rough Sleeper Camped Outside Waterstones For 55 Years Was Waiting For Harper Lee’s Sequel
- Hay Fever Woman Going To Relocate Every Summer From Next Summer
- Man Waiting For Female Footballers To Swap Shirts Disappointed Yet Again
- Blatter And Mugabe Separated At Birth, Say Genealogists
- Fifa Honours Dead World Cup Construction Workers With Body Outlines In Stadiums
- Football Chairman Shamelessly Celebrates Success Of Manager He Will Sack Within Months
- Texas Bikers Shootout Just Celebrating Release Of Mad Max: Fury Road
- Voters Stitched Us Up, Say UK Pollsters
- Floyd Mayweather Takes Break From Running To Ask Pacquiao Royal Baby’s Sex.
- Easter Turkey Pleads Desperately For Dear Life
- Cat Is The New Dog? I Don’t Think So — By Top Dog
- Dad Finally Gets Lucky With Mum On Mother’s Day
- Lion King Wins African Leadership Award
- British Public Not Sure If ‘Jihadi John’ Intends To Repay His Student Loan
- Arsenal Fans Most Likely To Suffer From Heart Attack, Study Finds
- Leonardo DiCaprio Preferred To Eat His Speech To The Oscars Pizza
- Romantic Man’s Valentine Gift To Girlfriend Is A 3D Model Of Himself
- Girlfriend Promises To Be On Best Behaviour Until After Valentine
- Nigeria Postpones Elections To Celebrate Valentine’s Day
- Commuters Should Cuddle One Another To Survive The Cold Spell, Says National Medical Council.
- Dad Finally Gets Lucky With Mum On Mother’s Day
- Girlfriend Puzzled By Boyfriend’s Christmas Gift Of Lidl Perfume
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