ARCHIVE: January 23, 2015. Updated: June 23, 2021
BRITAIN—As the UK continues to shiver in the grip of an arctic blast, Public Health England has reportedly issued a health warning for commuters and other travellers to endeavour to cuddle one another in order to avoid coming down with cold and other flu symptoms.
“Seriously, the best medicine to help ward off cold, cough and other flu symptoms in this ongoing chilly spell is for commuters to huddle together and cuddle one another like the snow monkeys of Japan,” said National Medical Director James Wellbeing.
“Forget Starbucks’ latte, steaming Lemsip or Heinz tomato soup,” continued Wellbeing, “just grab the next malodorous stranger next to you, place your head in the crook of their arm and snuggle up tightly.”
“If you dare turn up at some overwhelmed NHS A&E with flu symptoms, you will not be attended to because it is your fault. You have refused to listen to simple commonsense advice to cuddle up with strangers on the bus or train, even at bus stops.”
Sources report the PHE’s advice has won the backing of business bosses and politicians across the country.
At blog time, London Mayor Boris Johnson, working with arch enemies, London Transport Union bosses, jointly issued an edict to bus and train drivers to immediately eject any prima donna commuters who refuse to cuddle freezing strangers, saying, “such egocentric self-huggers do not belong on our transport systems.”