ARCHIVE: March 30, 2014.
SHOREDITCH, LONDON – After scheming for three months and getting no joy in bid to get laid, sources report that 52-year-old Dominic Merchant finally got lucky with the mother of his three adult children after splurging out on Mother’s Day gift of an iPad Air.
Sources report that Merchant had been agonising over how to make what had essentially become abc sex between him and Mrs Merchant a bit more frequent, often initiating sexual advances once every fortnightly only to be rebuffed with one excuse or the other.
“He’s really been having a hard time of it in recent years,” said Greg Terry, a close pal of Merchant. “I mean sex with Susan had come down to three or four times a year. The last time they did it was last Christmas, so you can imagine what he’s going through.”
“Thank goodness the trick with the Mother’s Day gift worked out,” continued Terry. “It seems like technology has some aphrodisiac power.”
Merchant is reportedly said to have phoned his three grown-up children on Saturday to tell them that whatever their plans are to see their mum on Mother’s Day, they should “stay the fuck away” until, probably later in the evening because he has some plans of his own for their mum.
Later in the day Merchant reportedly received some vague murmur from Mrs Merchant in response to his observation that Easter being just round the corner, perhaps, they could add that to the abc sex days, making it abce sex days.
At post time, Merchant is said to have accepted that his next reasonable date of getting lucky would be Father’s Day in June, saying that unlike some people, his own expectation of a gift is really quite modest.