ARCHIVE: April 20, 2014
MUDCHUTE PARK & FARM, LONDON – Clucking hysterically and pleading vigorously for his dear life on the way to the animal gallows, local farmyard turkey, Wattle, reportedly explained to Farmer Townsend that he has got his Easter and Christmas holidays all mixed up, saying to the septuagenarian farmer that his dementia is likely to blame.
Sources said that as Wattle strolled contentedly in the afternoon sun, Farmer Townsend had made a rather unexpected grab for him and carried him to the slaughter to be guillotined and slow-roasted for his family’s Easter feast.
According to reports, Wattle – determined to live a few more months to next Christmas – desperately explained to Farmer Townsend that actually this is Easter and traditionally, turkeys are not Easter’s livestock feast.
“Please, please don’t kill me Farmer Townsend,’’ begged Wattle. “Please let me live another eight months to Christmas. I promise to fatten up for you so you can sink your false gnashers into my thigh bone and suck all the lovely juice.”
“I don’t want to die at Easter, Farmer Townsend,” continued Wattle, hysterically. “I love life, Farmer Townsend. Oh I love life. Just give me till Christmas. Besides Farmer Townsend, turkeys are for Christ’s birth, rabbits for His death. Oh for a turkey to die at Easter. What humiliation. What embarrassment. Please Farmer Townsend I don’t want to bring shame unto my kinsfolk.”
Sources report that Farmer Townsend stopped at the gallows, utterly bewildered by the wailing and entreating turkey, saying he’d been thinking about the whole festive thing that how come Christmas had come round so early, adding that it felt like “just yesterday” that his great grand kids and the rest of the clan – mostly people he didn’t recognise – descended on the farm to celebrate Christmas.
After heeding Wattle’s imploration, Farmer Townsend reportedly released the frazzled turkey back into the farm.
Wattle is said to have immediately fallen onto his knees and clasping his wings together yelled “Hallelujah” to the heavens, before breaking into a deafening paean to Jesus Christ – the acclaimed resurrected Son of God – for touching Farmer Townsend’s heart to spare his life. At least till Christmas, sources said.
At post time Farmer Townsend is reported to have gone missing in nearby woods after going off in search of rabbits to kill for his family’s Easter feast.