ENGLAND—Prodigious England striker Wayne Rooney, who has scored one goal in three World Cup appearances, has reportedly been named the new England Captain by team manager Roy Hodgson.
Sources report that the prolific international marksman, once described by Hodgson’s predecessor Fabio Capello as a striker who only plays well in Manchester, responded to the news with unbridled delight, saying he could not wait to lead the national team and continue his abject failure in front of goal in international finals.
England fans are said to have reacted to the news with equal joy. “This is great news,” said reformed football hooligan Jason Martell. “Rooney, Rooney, Rooney! I’m looking forward to seeing him stamp on someone’s nuts in international matches. Rooney, Rooney, Rooney.”
“OMG!” exclaimed Rita Barney, a serial Union Jack face painter. “This is exciting times for England football. When Captain Rooney is frustrated from not getting the ball supplied upfront, he’s just going to turn to Dreamwork’s big ugly green ogre, right there on the pitch. I can’t wait.”
At post time, Captain Rooney took to twitter to thank England fans for their support, tweeting: “Bring on Euro 2016. Bring on Russia 2018. It’s coming home.”by