The Horstrich


Praise undeserved is satire in disguise.

-Alexander Pope


Ghost Horses Descend On Liverpool For Grand National

ghost horses (1)

AINTREE, LIVERPOOL — Ghosts of  horses that died trying to conquer the Grand National fences have reportedly converged on Aintree in Liverpool for the Crabbies 2014 Grand National.

Sources confirmed that since the start of the annual Aintree festival on Thursday, scores of ghost horses have been seen emerging from the Aintree Equine Cemetery and making their way through the town to the Aintree racecourse in preparation for the race dubbed the greatest steeplechase in the world.

While the strutting and galloping ghost horses have reportedly spooked the town’s people and tourists, the ghost spokeshorse, Dark Ivy, has been giving interviews in a disembodied voice to allay the supposedly unfounded fears of the UK race lovers.

“We are not here to harm anybody,” said the equine spokeshorse, Dark Ivy –which met its death at Beecher’s Brook in 1987. “We just want to be given the chance to finish the race that we started.”

“Most of us ghost horses,” continued Dark Ivy, “have had no peace since our Grand National deaths. We had fears that we have learnt to master after undergoing therapy. Like me, my owner and trainer knew very well that I have a fear of jumping over obstacles – any kind of obstacle; it doesn’t have to be a fence. But they still made me attempt Beecher’s Brook. There could only be one outcome for that.”

“But I tell you this, if they’d let me stick to the flats, I’d still be out there in Lingfield today showing the young bucks how it’s really done.”

Sources said another Grand National equine casualty, Ornais, has been giving its own views on the National, saying: “We, the Grand National ghost horses bear no grudges towards you human horse lovers. There’s no need to fear us.”

“For me my fear was that of water,” continued Ornais. “Yes I had hydrophobia. I just couldn’t go through with that Water Jump again and it was that fear that got me. Now though I’ve overcome my fear of water so I’m giving this race everything that I’ve got. Bring it on.”

At post time the British Horseracing Authority have reportedly offered to triple the wages of any jockeys who volunteer to ride the ghost horses, with sources saying that there have been no takers as yet.


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