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Reports

Homophobic Dog Granted Bail In British Magistrates Court

October 4, 2013 news
STUART ANTI-GAY DOG

Homophobic dog attacks gay couple on the Brighton seafront

BRIGHTON, ENGLAND─A notoriously homophobic Staffordshire bull terrier named Stuart has been granted bail by the Brighton Magistrates Court, according to reports.
According to sources, Stuart had been arrested and detained by police around midday after attacking a gay couple on the Brighton seafront. The incident that led to Stuart’s arrest has been well reported in the British media.
“It was a really nice day on the seafront,” said James Naismith, a local resident. “Everywhere you could see people just enjoying the twilight of summer. Maybe the really romantic atmosphere got the better of the couple because things turned a bit heavy and they started really kissing open mouth and dry-humping against the railings.”
Sources report that it was while the couple was locked in this tight embrace that Stuart, wearing two placards inscribed with the inflammatory slogan ‘NO GAYS’, came out of nowhere and charged at the couple.
“They were so into each other that they didn’t see it coming,” said Mary Oxbridge, a day tourist from London. The devil dog just went for it and tore into this guy’s arse. It was a real scene. The three of them, I mean the dog and the gay couple, were rolling all over the promenade. The couple were trying to get away but the dog just hung on in there, he wasn’t having none of it. Never once slackened his jaws from the guy’s sorry arse, the dog. Someone had to call the police. One thing’s for sure though, that guy won’t be using his arse for a while yet.”
It wasn’t until after the police arrived on the scene and tasered Stuart that the gay man’s bottom had any respite from the dog’s fangs, according to eye-witness reports. While an ambulance was called to the scene, Stuart was promptly detained at the local police station.
Later in the afternoon the police brought multiple charges against Stuart at the Brighton Magistrates Court. The charges include: Disturbing the Public Peace; Discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation; Public Order Offence relating to violence against a person and causing grievous bodily harm to a person.
Stuart was represented at the bail hearing by the solicitor for the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty against Animals, Ms Priscilla Grant. Ms Grant, after successfully securing her client’s bail, gave a brief announcement outside the court house. One condition of bail was that Stuart would now be on a leash at all times. The RSPCA lawyer had to hold him on a leash as she spoke to a horde of waiting reporters.
“My client wishes to deny in the strongest of terms all allegations that have been levelled against him,” said Grant. “Hence he will vigorously defend his canine honour and integrity when given his day in court. He wishes to state for the record that he has nothing against gay people per se. He says that what really gets his bone, err, sorry, what really gets his goat is the rather juvenile public display of affection between middle-aged men. That’s what he really finds ew─I believe by ‘ew’ he means disgusting. And questions need to be asked of the police. What were they thinking using a Taser on a dog? Really? Is that what this nation of animal lovers has come to? We shall definitely institute a countersuit against the police. We cannot say much more so as not to be in contempt of court. Thank you very much.”
The throng of reporters thrust their cameras and microphones in Stuart’s face as they hurled questions at him, according to reports. Looking unrepentant, Stuart gave a low growl and bared his menacing fangs. The sea of bodies hastily parted and Stuart and his lawyer hopped into the back seat of a waiting car which promptly sped away from the court house.
The partner of the injured gay man, Ian Daley, gave an interview to the media on their ordeal.
“It has been a great shock,” said Daley, looking a broken man. “My wonderful partner remains in intensive care. Doctors are not sure if his behind will ever fully recover,” he mumbled, snivelling into a handkerchief.
“I fear for this country,” continued a clearly distraught Daley. “It’s one thing for Russia to ban homosexuality. But this now in civilised Britain. A dog that attacks gay people. Where’s the so-called sexual orientation equality?”
At post time, the trial of this bizarre case has been set for October 1, 2013.
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