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Man Pretty Sure Pork Sausage No Longer One Of Five-A-Day

October 30, 2015 food, health, lifestyle, news, science




heinz 5 a day











HACKNEY, LONDON—Following the news that bacon and sausage could cause cancer, 26-year-old Nathan Atkins, an all-things-processed-and-non-processed-meat-aficionado, finally came clean to reporters that he always had his doubt that pork sausage in a rich tomato sauce could be counted as one of the essential five-a-day nutrition.

“Look guys, I hold my hands up about this,” said Atkins to reporters. “Yes, I can’t live without my Heinz pork sausage, but I never, for one minute, hundred per cent thought sausage, even one in a rich tomato sauce, is totally one of my five-a-day.”

“You have to realise that these Heinz guys have been in the business for like centuries,” continued Atkins, “so who am I, a mere mortal beholden to processed and non-processed meat, in deed, who am I to argue with the experts at Heinz when they say pork sausage is one of five-a-day? Anyway, I guess with this cancer link, my doubt is now finally confirmed.”

At post time, Atkins was suggesting to Heinz that, perhaps, beef jerky in a rich tomato sauce could be considered to replace pork sausage as one of five-a-day.

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