The Horstrich

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Mask or No Mask, Condom or No Condom, Says Boris Johnson


LONDON — After being asked for the umpteenth time about face masks for the general population, Prime Minister Boris Johnson is reported to have replied, “Look, you don’t ask me for advice on condom when you’re looking for some random hook-up, so why’re you asking me if you should wear face masks when you leave the house?”

According to reports, Boris has definitely bounced back. One hack said, “The PM was not having it at all from people who can’t make up their minds about face masks.”

“Look at it this way,” Boris reportedly said, “When you hook-up with some random chick or guy on Tinder or Grindr, you can either catch some kind of STD or you don’t. So you get to decide, ‘should I wear a dick glove or risk skin to skin?’”

“It’s same thing with Covid-19,” Boris continued, “When you leave the house, you’re probably going to come in contact with some random people that may or may not be carrying the coronavirus. So it’s your choice to either wear a mask or not. Why have I got to make that decision for you?”

At post time, reports said Boris reminisced about his philandering past, stating that with hindsight, perhaps on some occasions he definitely should have won condoms.

“And that time at the hospital visit when I was shaking random people’s hands and joking about the virus,” continued Boris, “I really ought to have been wearing a hazmat suit, gloves, face mask and all.”

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