The Horstrich

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Status is always ripe for satire, status is always good for comedy.

-Stephen Colbert


Ordinary Toothpaste Taking Itself Too Seriously


LONDON – Pissed off fans of High Definition TVs and other display units have reportedly told Aquafresh toothpaste that, “You’re just an ordinary toothpaste so don’t overreach yourself,” after the popular toothpaste released a supposedly new and improved version of itself strategically branded Aquafresh HD—claiming that it has the power to make teeth sparkle in High Definition.

“I have invented a unique micro-fine Illumipearls technology that starts to lift stains and polish from the first brush,” said Aquafresh, adding that the new Aquafresh HD White toothpaste gives people up to 3x better whitening. “So don’t just whiten, illuminate your smile.”

Sources report that the introduction of the new and improved Aquafresh HD has not gone down well with HD TV buffs and fans of other HD display units.

“Things are beginning to get out of hand,” said Brendan Johnston, an engineer from Stratford. “How did some run-of-the-mill abrasive paste get the guts to compare itself to my 40-inch Plasma TV? Now anytime I look at my TV, all I see is some stupid toothpaste. Seriously, that is not cool.”

“This Aquafresh thingy is starting to sound like some egotistical jackass,” said Sandra Nelson, a bus driver. “Is this ordinary disgusting fluoride gel on a high or something? I use Aquafresh in the morning and forget all about it. To start comparing yourself to my prize jewel, my 42-inch, 1080p Sony HD TV, now that is really pushing it. Someone has to bring this silly megalomaniac of a toothpaste right back down to earth.”

Sources report that Jerome Sanders, a city office worker, was so incensed when he saw the Aquafresh HD advert in a newspaper on his commute to work that he turned back for home and when he got home, he violently flung his old and unimproved Aquafresh into the bin.

“What makes Aquafresh think that I want my teeth three times whiter,” fumed Sanders. “Look some of us actually like our teeth yellow. There’s some time I’ve run out of toothpaste and I just brush with water. It works just fine.”

“Where’s it going to end?” continued Sanders. “Crest LCD? Oral-B Back Lighting? You’re all just some humdrum bog-standard toothpaste and don’t you ever forget that.”

At post time sources report that the planned introduction of the new and improved Colgate Mega-High Definition 10x Whitening Toothpaste has been postponed indefinitely.


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