The Horstrich

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You don't want to know.

Satire is tragedy plus time.

- Lenny Bruce

Reports
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Dad Finally Gets Lucky With Mum On Mother’s Day

                        ARCHIVE: March 30, 2014. SHOREDITCH, LONDON – After scheming for three months and getting no joy in bid to get laid, sources report that 52-year-old Dominic Merchant finally [...]

March 15, 2015 business, celebrations, news, technology
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Lion King Wins African Leadership Award

                          ARCHIVE: October 29, 2013 KHARTOUM─The annual £3.2 million Mo Ibrahim award for ‘excellence in African leadership’ has finally found a worthy winner in the form of King [...]

March 8, 2015 africa, animals, celebrity, film, government, news, politics
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British Public Not Sure If ‘Jihadi John’ Intends To Repay His Student Loan

                    BRITAIN—After the revelation that Mohammed Emwazi aka Jihadi John –the infamous Islamic State executioner—is a London-educated IT expatriate, the British public have, reportedly, been scratching their heads as they wonder [...]

March 3, 2015 education, news, politics, religion, terrorism
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Arsenal Fans Most Likely To Suffer From Heart Attack, Study Finds

                    LONDON—According to a nine-year study by doctors at the London Chest Hospital, Arsenal supporters are more likely than any other football fans to die of heart attack. “The findings of [...]

February 26, 2015 football, health, news, science, sports
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Leonardo DiCaprio Preferred To Eat His Speech To The Oscars Pizza

                ARCHIVE: March 3, 2014. HOLLYWOOD – Saying to his fellow actors that after hearing Mathew McConaughey announced as winner of best actor at the 2014 Oscars Award, he felt a sudden violent [...]

February 22, 2015 celebrations, celebrity, film, food, news
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Romantic Man’s Valentine Gift To Girlfriend Is A 3D Model Of Himself

              ARCHIVE: February 14 2014 LONDON ─ After pondering what special gift to give his girlfriend for Valentine for several weeks to no avail, City Banker  Donald Smith stumbled upon his Eureka moment when, [...]

February 14, 2015 business, celebrations, festivities, news, technology
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Girlfriend Promises To Be On Best Behaviour Until After Valentine

                                      SYDENHAM, LONDON—Saying that she was not going to jeopardise her chances of receiving a fantastic Valentine’s gift from her emasculated boyfriend, [...]

February 13, 2015 celebrations, festivities, lifestyle, news
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Nigeria Postpones Elections To Celebrate Valentine’s Day

                        NIGERIA—Nigerian lovers up and down the country are reported to have celebrated wildly when President Goodluck Jonathan cancelled national elections which were due to be held on February [...]

February 10, 2015 celebrations, holidays, news, politics, religion
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Commuters Should Cuddle One Another To Survive The Cold Spell, Says National Medical Council.

                  BRITAIN—As the UK continues to shiver in the grip of an arctic blast, the National Medical Council has reportedly issued a health warning for commuters and other travellers to endeavour to [...]

January 23, 2015 health and safety, lifestyle, news, transport, weather
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Arsenal Signs Two Players Ahead Of January Transfer Window

                            ARCHIVE: October 23, 2013 LONDON (Emirates Stadium)─Ahead of the 1st January 2014 opening of the mid-season transfer window, Arsenal FC are reported to have done some [...]

December 22, 2014 football, news, sports