ARCHIVE: JULY 31 2014
PLANET EARTH—Everywhere around the world, from Sydney to New York, Lagos to Mumbai, Rio to London, sources report that no sooner had people settled down on their sofa to watch the news than a fusillade of horrible news come crashing through their television screens, splattering blood and gore all over their walls, furniture and curtains.
People are said to be scampering for dear lives, cowering behind sofas as they dodge the constant artillery bombardment of soul-destroying terrible news from all over the world.
“The minute I settled down on the sofa and turned on the news,” said David Matheson of Long Island, New York, “there were loud bangs of tank and other heavy artillery discharges and this blood splattered Palestinian family of father, mother, and child smashed through my TV screen and tumbled onto my Persian rug, immediately soaking it with blood. Now they’re sheltering in my kitchen. What am I supposed to do with them?”
“I can’t even do my favourite multi-tasking past time of eating and watching the news at the same time anymore,” said Corrine Bailey, a London Black Cab driver. “I totally lose my appetite once the rocket launchers start firing the horrible news through my TV screen. Is it abnormal for me to feel pangs of guilt as I tuck into my platter of Sunday roast while burning plane debris and charred human body parts crash through my TV and settle at my feet?”
At post time people were observed emerging from behind their sofas—at great risks to their lives—to gawp at the ample bottom of Niki Minaj, which had just been fired via a rocket launcher through their TV screens, after playing a starring role in the video for Minaj’s new single Anaconda.by